July 9, 2023 

We were not even officially boyfriend and girlfriend yet when James started to hint that there were things about him that I did not know. We were driving to my house one night when he started talking about how it takes a while to “take off the mask” and truly show who you are to someone else in any relationship. 

I agreed. There were things about me that he did not know. If I felt apprehension when he said that, it was overshadowed by the feeling of being drawn to him more – the desire to get closer to him, to know him more, and to continue to build that connection to the point where we could both “take off the mask.” 

We became official. We went to a wedding together. We talked on the phone for hours. All this time, my heart was falling deeper and deeper into being “sold out and in love.” 

I remember one day sitting on the couch as he walked toward me with an outstretched arm, belting out the song “Evermore” from the live-action beauty and the beast, in that voice that was more beautiful, in my opinion, than the original singer:

I’ll never shake away the pain

I close my eyes, but she’s still there

I let her steal into my melancholy heart

It’s more than I can bear

Now I know she’ll never leave me

Even as she runs away

She will still torment me, calm me, hurt me

Move me, come what may

Wasting in my lonely tower

Waiting by an open door

I fool myself she’ll walk right in

and be with me forevermore. 

It wasn’t too long into the relationship before we started revealing personal information. We both started talking about our past romantic and sexual histories. My sexual or romantic history was practically non-existent, other than a random kiss out of mostly curiosity with a man I was not in love with. From that experience, I learned that I personally am the type of person who does not want to kiss someone out of solely physical desire. I want to be in love. I want to have that emotional connection. 

James’ sexual history was more complicated than mine, but that was not a deal-breaker for me, because he had come to the same conclusion as I had – that he wanted sex to be from a place of love. We had both been down the journey of being curious, then figuring out what we wanted physical connection with someone to mean, and then deciding to live out those values. My story was just a much more mild version of his. 

After learning that “emotionally aloof” seems to be the norm for men, I did not know that it was possible to have such a deep connection with a man – especially a straight man. For a while, I was afraid that he was secretly (or even unknown to him), gay. What we had felt so good that I was afraid it somehow could not be real. We talked for hours – sometimes chit-chat about our lives, but just as often deep, vulnerable conversations where we shared things that inspired us, and our frustrations at the world we lived in and our hopes to make our small contribution to make things better. We shared similar values. And I had never had the experience of a man reading my feelings so easily and choosing to meet my emotional needs and empathize with my feelings the way he did. We seemed to do a good job of communicating our needs to each other in a real but kind way. On the main occasion when I was upset at him for something that he had done, he let me cry, listened to me, apologized and then kissed me. The way he walked through that conflict made me wish that we would have a “fight” every damn day. 

Our relationship was not perfect by any means, and I am afraid that writing this blog will bring out the nostalgia to the point that I will forget the less-than-perfect aspects. For example, I was afraid he would prioritize his mother over me if we stayed together long term. There was also trial and error in our relationship – he struggled a little to find the balance between protective and /or caring boyfriend versus giving me space to lean into my autonomy as a strong individual, and I struggled to find and communicate that balance as well.

I also know that part of moving on from a relationship is to remember the not-so-great aspects along with the beautiful aspects. I know I need to make journaling about the less-than-ideal aspects of our relationship a priority.

While we were not perfect, we both cared for each other and seemed dedicated to learning and growing together. And our relationship was overall a very good one.