August 14, 2023

It was my first day of work today. Teacher work week. 

I mentioned before that I work at a private Christian school in a city in the heart of the Bible belt. 

I broke down emotionally today – more than once. Significant, emotional energy-sucking breakdowns. 

The entire day was devoted to a “Biblical worldview” training done by a zealous guest speaker. I sat there and became more and more emotionally undone as he talked about “doubling down” on making sure we teach a Christian worldview, and “not tolerating” unbiblical concepts sneaking into our classrooms. He talked about the LGBTQ community and “critical theory” more than once each, and the “agenda” of every Disney movie, when they represent the gay community with at least one couple in every movie. He talked about not letting “evil” slip in in that way. 

I feel so exhausted. I am not even part of the LGBTQ community. And I’m honestly pretty moderate politically and as a teacher. And yet I was sitting there, emotionally undone. 

I care about the LGBTQ community. And the suicide rates. Whether or not something is a sin is not ultimately any of my business, if you want to know how I really feel. I don’t know, and I don’t care – in the sense that what I actually care about are my LGBTQ students, their depression, their anxiety, their loneliness, their isolation, and their lives. They have already heard those messages from the church a thousand times. They can come to terms with how their sexuality exists within the context of their faith on their own – they have Bibles, hearts and minds. It is their decision. 

And when I got to college and realized how many details about history had been deliberately omitted from both my Christian and secular curriculums when I was a kid, I felt abandoned. I don’t want my students to experience that sense of abandonment and disillusionment. And while I hope they don’t gravitate toward extremes, I also hope that my students care about the marginalized, and those who do not have access to enough real resources. 

I cried during lunch break. 

I made it through the rest of the day. Someone asked what we do when teachers have denominational differences in the way we view things, and he said that we should not have denominational differences on anything significant, and that if there were anything significant that that teacher was going to a church that believes what they want to believe, and he assumes there are no teachers like that here, because he or she signed the statement of faith, and would not be able to do that with good integrity. 

I am in that boat. I have been going to a much more liberal church, because it has been the only place that has truly been healing for me, and had a deeper sense of community and care. 

Just from feeling that I am not a traditional enough Christian for this school, I can get a taste of what it is like for people who are actually stigmatized. People who are gay, for example. And told that they are bringing an evil agenda to try to corrupt Christian truth/ principles, as the speaker said today.

I fell apart again after I got off work. Badly. Did emotional repair. Went outside, to a gorgeous summer evening, and did mindfulness/ meditation exercises (I highly recommend the free Medito app, by the way). I am doing their 30 day compassion challenge. I am hoping that, if I can access compassion – in a real and constant way – toward my ex, then it will help heal me. I don’t want to be bitter. 

The meditation was about viewing feelings of suffering – pain, discomfort, tough emotions – as the raw materials for compassion. Without connecting to our suffering and brokenness, it would likely be impossible to have any deep sense of compassion toward other people. Maybe that is the point of me struggling through that training today. It would be awful to be isolated and lonely as a whole institution/ group of people “doubles down” on you and your values or beliefs. Maybe that is the point of the last seven months. 

I feel burned out. I want something different. I want to travel and experience the world. I want to let James go. I struggled with that too, today. I used to talk to James about how tough work was, and the moral struggles I feel in the aggressively conservative Christian church, and why I stay, how I want to be there for my students in the midst of the exclusivity and legalism, the “we all believe this or get out” mentality. How all I want to do is love people and exist as a Christian. I missed James’ companionship today, like a sharp ache and that small, panic-y feeling, on top of everything else I was feeling. I am wondering how long it is going to take for this hole in me to go away, and this sense of loss that persists.

Today, I seriously considered whether I need to go on medication now. I feel I am being a hypocrite if I tell people that if you need chemical support for a while, you should feel no shame about going on meds, but then I choose to tough things out too much. I just keep thinking that I am almost out of this, after seven months and all the meditation, walks in nature, journaling etc. I have been doing. I told myself I would wait until a certain date in September to reevaluate if I need medication. But after today, I am wondering if I should ditch that plan and start the meds now. 

I will make it through this. I will show up for my students this year. And then I will leave, and the school won’t need to worry about me, and I won’t need to worry about not fitting within the confines of pristine Christian ideology enough for them. 

I booked my first real solo trip (with no purpose to visit anyone or go to a wedding etc. – just to travel with the company of myself) in a condo in a city less than an hour away. It is to get my feet wet in the solo travel world, see how I like it and how I do, if I am going to actually travel in a year. It’s a baby step, but I am very proud of myself for planning this mini trip. Multiple baby steps are what matter, after all. 

I also just registered for a six week salsa dancing class. I love salsa dancing. My friend dipped out and said it was too intimidating for her to register – so I am going alone. I am proud of myself. 

Maybe, just maybe, I will actually do it. Maybe I will actually quit my job in a year and see the world.