August 9, 2023

I don’t really want to write a blog post where all I say is “I’m down again.” While these blog posts are for me and my healing, I also hope they can offer some sense of hope or direction for others. I hope the mess of my life can help others. 

But honestly, I am down again. Just down. 

While the trip brought a sense of release and healing, coming back to my hometown has brought back the memories, the rheumenation and the pain. There is a part of me that wonders if, after this breakup, my heart will ever been healed and whole, when right now all I can feel are the aches, and all I can see are the scars. 

I think there is something that happens subconsciously when my brain registers certain dates. Yesterday was the seven month anniversary of James telling me about his problems with sex and prostitutes, and yesterday was not a good day for me. 

Once again, I was laying on the floor sobbing, sick and sad and hurting. After seven months. This is where I was at six months ago – when I have moments like yesterday (and today), I sometimes wonder what the point is of trying so hard, for so long. It sometimes feels like it would be easier to just give in and be miserable. 

I feel stressed about work as a teacher starting again on Monday. Summer is over. I feel stressed about having ADHD, and dealing with some OCD tendencies, that are due to the anxiety of everything I’ve been through and some personal trauma. Soon I will have been in counseling for a year. I feel like I still have so far to go, and that the process of overcoming a broken heart, ADHD, OCD tendencies, some trauma and some health stuff I’m dealing with is all very slow. I have worked so hard, have come so far and done so much, and I am proud of myself for that. It is also difficult, though, to keep from looking at how far I have to go and not feeling overwhelmed. 

I have felt stressed due to getting sick (a cold that has made me feel like crap and affected my sleeping), the week before going back as a teacher (to our teacher work week) – during the time that I feel the need to be productive. 

I guess all I can say in this post is, if you have felt tired of trying so long and so hard, well, I empathize.  

I feel the need for a major change. I feel like this city, and my life here, might never be the same after my relationship and breakup. I feel a desire for the healing that comes from new experiences. 

I would honestly really like to save every penny I can and, in a year, quit my job and travel for a while, then do something else with my life. There are volunteer programs where you can volunteer in different countries in exchange for room and board. 

Right now that is a pipe dream. 

I am currently down, but I also know that I don’t usually stay this down. Blogging is helping. I also know that the healing process is not linear – there will be downs. But I am tired of those dips and those downs, when I feel I should not be in this place right now. But again, we have to allow ourselves to be in this place right now. 

I didn’t know a guy could affect me this much. 

It’s time for me to go back to my routines, and back to my heartbreak survival strategies – walking outside, meditation and mindfulness, prayer, exercise, journaling (and blogging), and trying to make creativity, new experiences, and free time part of my daily life. 

Part of that mental health routine is going to bed on time. I guess I should start the night-time process then.