August 1st, 2023

After James confessed out loud the burdens that had kept him in chains, my happy world felt like it was disintegrating. 

That week, I had several emotional breakdowns. Major ones. Due to living with my family and not wanting my mom to see what I was going through, I would drive. Aimlessly. And I would finally park in an abandoned parking lot, scream-crying to my sister on the phone for a couple of hours or more. 

I was deeply in love, and the thought of breaking up with him crushed me. To say that I wanted to be with him is an understatement. I felt trapped. I could not see a good way forward. I did not want to break up, but also did not know if it was healthy to continue moving forward in the relationship. If you are reading this, you may have been in a similar situation. If you are currently in that situation, you probably feel there is no way forward. 

There are ways forward. They are not easy. But they are there, and I am convinced that I will find real healing eventually. 

When the anxiety attacks came and my world felt like it was caving in, as I tried to make sense of what James had told me and whether it meant that the man I was in love with was not in a healthy enough place for us to be in a relationship, the idea of losing him felt like the worst thing that could happen. I felt desperate not to lose him. I felt desperate to know the outcome – would I have to let go of him? How could I possibly do that? I felt like I could not bear the grief of breaking up. 

If you are in this situation, I have felt your pain. I still have moments where I feel it. James and I were not able to stay together through everything. It has been six and a half months since we broke up, and I still am having (much more minor) breakdowns every couple of days. The day before yesterday, I was standing on a rocky beach, looking out at Lake Superior and bawling, feeling the pain and the longing. 

So if you feel the pain, and feel it immensely, I have been there. I feel for you and have shared that feeling that seems unbearable. 

I want to share a thought that has been key for me: Somewhere along the way, I realized that losing James and living without the man I loved was not actually the worst thing that could happen. Losing myself is the worst thing that can happen. I am planning on diving deeper into this concept later, but basically, I have to live in a way that prioritizes health for me, and living out my values with integrity and wholeheartedness. I cannot chase a man who is unhealthy to the point that I myself become disoriented and lost. I cannot lose myself while trying to save someone else, or save a relationship. I have to choose finding and maintaining myself over holding onto him. 

I told James I felt we needed to go on a break from being boyfriend and girlfriend the Tuesday after he told me everything, so I would have time to process.

I struggled for a week, stuck in an in-between phase. We were not boyfriend and girlfriend during our “break,” but it felt like we were still together, or half together. The anxiety attacks were awful, and a break was not enough. I needed real space to process what he had told me, and what it meant.