July 13, 2023

There are certain things that I know I need to do – certain steps I need to take in order to move on. 

One of those is to remove myself from a group chat I’m still in, that includes my ex boyfriend and some of his friends, who are now also my friends. I know that I need a while where I do not interact with people who remind me of him, or go to places that remind me too much of him. Every time I do this, it brings my ex-boyfriend’s existence into reality again. For example, when I hang out in spaces where our now mutual friends are, I know that I can ask his friend, “How is James doing these days?” – or that friend might offer up a comment about hanging out with James the other day etc. I need James to only exist in my memories for a while. 

Another one of the things I need to do is eat the chocolates/ rest of the care package he gave me when I was sick a month after we broke up. We had been communicating a little after taking two or three weeks of space, and I could hardly believe that he and one of his friends showed up at my door with a care package, despite him being afraid of what my family might think of him after the breakup. I never finished eating the contents of the care package, though, because it was too sad for me. 

A third thing I want to do at some point is visit key places we went, such as the place where we first kissed.

I want to do all these things as part of the process of grieving, letting go, and moving on. But I am not ready yet. I want to be, and I feel like I should be. But I am not quite ready.

And that is okay. We have to give ourselves time. That pendulum keeps swinging back and forth for me on a daily basis, hitting the different stages of grief, such as denial, sadness, and acceptance. I feel that I need to give myself more time to camp out in the “acceptance” stage a good portion of the time, before I do some of these next steps. For example, if I eat the rest of that care package too early, it might send me into more episodes of anxiety attacks and feelings of loss and panic. I need to give myself as much time as I need. 

If I am not where I would like to be, or think I should be, at this point, that is okay. You cannot train your muscles to support you while competing in the Olympics (an extreme example, but still) without slowly building them up over time. Our emotional muscles need to heal and build themselves back up slowly over time, through gentle “emotional workouts” (such as journaling, walks in nature, talking with friends, etc.) that help us gradually process and move forward. It is okay to give ourselves time. 

As Alessia Cara sings in her song Easier Said: 

Healing and patience are lovers

Don’t place the blame on your heart just to shut them up, 

There ain’t no rush to recover, 

Because it’s easier said, easier said than done